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What Is The Young Black Male Philosophy On Dating and Does It Need To Change?

Originally, this post was to be more about introspection.

It was to be a about being accountable in regards to being sensitive to someone you’re talking and their feelings. My idea grew after noticing a booming conversation on Twitter the other night about $62 dates. You read that right, it’s the $200 date’s snotty nosed stepchild. Not only that, but people felt just as strongly about trying not to spend that amount just as much as its $200 predecessor. You can’t write this stuff! But of course some people did. So why not examine what might be wrong here?

I read a tweet the other day from a young lady that read: “This is probably selfish of me, but if I really like a guy, I don’t want him to make it so obvious that he talks to other people. Lol” If you’ve followed my writing through the years, there are many instances where I call men out including myself. I call us out because as we get older we have to make concerted efforts to do better. This begins with doing things that make sense. Part of that is being sensitive to one’s feelings, seeing things through their lens you know? That there is an area guys can improve in as they get older.

When I was younger and dating, I was oblivious to such nuances.

I would do many things that would be seen as insensitive to a girl I might’ve been seeing. I was oblivious. As I got older it was brought to my attention about some of the things I did. I used to tweet wild crazy things under my old handle. I’d have fun just flirting with folks. I had no filter with that stuff. In my 20-year-old head, it was all harmless and I was having fun. The truth was that I was making someone feel less than. I was better than that. There were times where I may have spoken in a condescending tone to a girl that I dated. In that period of time, maybe I thought nothing of it until it was brought to my attention. I can go on and on about areas that I’ve fallen short in while talking to ladies. We’re not perfect but we don’t have to embrace that imperfection either.

So the young lady whose tweet sparked this idea should also expect better from us at this point. If you’re out with any woman, there’s really no need to overtly say that you’re seeing any number of people. Now if you’re asked, then by all means be honest. But if you’re not asked, don’t go out of your way to let her know how high in demand you are.

As I continued to read my timeline, I realized that many women had experience with the missteps of men in dating. The conversation moved on to dates and the men who don’t want to spend on them. In the past I’ve written about the $200 date. $200 is an expensive date. There is no rule that you must spend this amount of money on a date on a regular basis. The snotty nosed stepchild $62 date however is another story. The majority of dates that I have been on that include some drinks and entrees do run about $70 including tips. By the way, tip these servers, I usually pay a dollar for every 5 dollars. That’s around 20%, it takes a lot of the guess work out of leaving tips; I hate math.

The fact that this is a topic of discussion is annoying.

It should be annoying for any grown man to see. What kind of society do we live in where we try to calculate the least amount of money that we can spend on dates on a regular basis? Sure, all dates shouldn’t break the bank. If you are looking to be someone’s significant other, then there’s got to be a little effort involved. There should be thought behind a date. What’s the vibe, how does it agree with what the young lady likes? Has she been to the spot, or done the activity? Does she want to do the activity? Does she like surprises? Are you good with surprises?

Those are all things to consider when taking a woman seriously.

How much you spend on a date shouldn’t be the biggest factor. If pockets aren’t right or you can’t charge it, then chill until you can afford the date you want to create. It’s becoming glaringly apparent that as young black men, we look bad as a unit. We seem ill prepared to engage a real woman’s attention. A lot of it stems from these bullshit antics that we shoot ourselves in the foot with.

Call it social media, lack of daddies in the home or Stevie J, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. I don’t know why guys put up such a lackluster effort. I see fine ladies on twitter complaining about black men. These women are good looking, forward thinking and single. They aren’t mandating relationships across the board. If that’s an issue, then ease your mind. But the ladies just want a good time.

Furthermore I don’t hear about these issues in other communities than our own. We can be better. It starts with effort. It also starts with asking people out that you really want to be out with. If you want to really learn about a person and possibly grow with them, then effort matters. If you guys are just hitting the skins, you still got to at least get some grub. The game changes as we age, we have to change with it.

Women should have better things to say about us.

Many don’t, and if you doubt me, ask a woman about some of her worst date experiences. You’d be taken aback by the recounting of such asinine behavior by black men. Whatever the origin, change starts with you taking pride in the experience a woman has with you. This goes for in the bed and out of it. We do need a change. Why not try to be a total package? Make it a practice.

These are my words and I make no apologies.

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About DamnPOPS

Pops is a staff writer currently at Brooklyn Buttah that’s hoping to bring material that people can connect with. If it’s a touchy subject, expect him to speak on it. You may have seen him featured on sites such as Single Black Male and Madame Noire. This Brooklynite has a passion to captivate people with words. Roll with him on this trip.

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