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Buttah Love Diaries: A Soulmate No More

He and I spoke every single day, all day. From morning to midnight, we were on and off the phone for hours at a time sharing thoughts, ideas, and exchanging emotions. Numerous sessions caring for each other’s mental, emotional, and physical needs.

He helped me discover a vulnerability I was unaware of, and he helped me accept it graciously.

We mended each other’s wounds of heartache and shared each other. Each time we revealed hidden treasures, my soul recognized his and for once I felt very sure of where I wanted to place my love.

A soulmate is a fantasy or myth until you are immersed in someone’s personality. Your soul connects to this person who seemingly fits magically into your complicated puzzle. We have many soulmates in this world, each one is teaching us a different lesson.

It’s as though invisible string is tied to the very center of our soul, our heart, or even our mind and it sinks into our nerves. The nerves create painful shock values and we are traumatized watching someone walk away with a piece of us.

I found myself attached to this person who awakened my soul. Four months is not a long time, but when you calculate hours of speaking and spending time with each other, time turns into an illusion and stretches far.

The illusion shatters and time is disrupted when you receive unexpecting change.

He chose her over me. Weeks of back and forth, uncertainty, and being patient turned me into a second choice. It’s a bullet to the ego, a stab at one’s self-esteem. I took the loss with dignity. Questioned myself, however, on why her and not me?

Why be with someone who hurt you over someone who made you feel divine? The excuse was, “we have history.” History loves to repeat itself and it’s not always for the betterment of ourselves.

Exactly a week later, he called me, admitting he chooses me. Those words did not resonate with me. I didn’t feel happy or elated that he came back. I felt annoyed and disappointed.

You ask yourself how someone takes so long over a decision you think is scribbled in plain sight.

Or how they can shift thoughts as if they were clothes; as if the clothes cannot be seen laid crumpled and forgotten on the floor.

You cannot change a person if they are not ready to change; you cannot force someone to see your value; you cannot change a person’s mind to benefit you.

However, you can know your worth and keep your head high. You can accept someone’s true colors as too colorless and dull for your vibrancy. You can love yourself, accept yourself, and appreciate your own value.

Don’t be afraid to walk away, even if there are stones beneath your feet.

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About nesstalgicc

Whiskey in a teacup; my words will warm your chest, make you feel cozy and give your brain something to think about. I'm always observing, always thinking, and always saying things no one else wants to.

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